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The Last Year
September 01, 2002 19:01
Note: If this is about you, read at your own peril.
Tomorrow will be exactly one year from an extremely happy day. Starting the day after, life for me got.... rather complex. A month earlier I met someone. Within 48 hours I went from feeling resigned to spending the rest of my life single, to never wanting to be single again. Sure I jumped to conclusions. Sure I assumed there was more there than there actually was. Of course, I don't think my feelings were terribly unjustified, but that's how it goes sometimes.
A month later, a year ago from tomorrow, was the final date. Everything that day was perfect. Well, at least to me it was. Perhaps there was writing on the wall telling me to take a step back, but I never saw it. The next day I heard in her voice that everything between us was over. The next day it was confirmed, and I became the right thing at the wrong time. So then I slipped into denial. I mean, this was only a setback, not a stop sign. A couple weeks could change anything, but I knew it was all over. And friday night, THAT was confirmed, thus began 20 days of emotional torment.
Its funny when you're in a state of temporary depression, how music lyrics suddenly change. I mean, they're the same lyrics as before, but you hear them now in a new way. All the sad songs made me feel sad, and all the happy songs made me feel even worse. "Johnny B" by The Hooters was probably the most appropriate song I heard during that time. It STILL jerks at me a little sometimes.
Then 20 days later, I met her again for the first time since the painful talk. And I suddenly realized something. There was nothing there anymore. Whatever torment I had been causing myself for the prior three weeks seemed to be in vain. In a matter of minutes I had completely gotten over her. So now I'm no longer emotionally attached to her, but I'm still...... needy. I'm not comfortable facing the single life again. So I continue my hunt for potential rebound relationships. And when I'm just about ready to go back to the single life, I find one.
Of course, I didn't really plan for it to be a relationship. I wasn't planning anything at all. She came to visit. Visit me and visit others from the area that she'd met online. But when she leaves three days later, we're an item. An ironic twist of fate indeed, since were it not for the prior parting of ways, I never would have met her.
Yet a month later, she comes for a return visit, only to open old wounds by exhibiting a desire to do to me once again what I just suffered through just a few months previously. I was not eagar to face the situation again. But while last time I just stood back and let things happen as they would, this time I fought. This time I wasn't about to let it happen. And I won, I suppose. But perhaps in the long run (and we ALL plan ahead, don't we :) I would have been better off if I just let her go too. I learned many years ago that if someone gives you an escape from the relationship early on, its sometimes a good idea to take it.
But I did my best to keep it together, despite the fact that her family wasn't too keen on the idea. Despite the fact that there are good reasons why huge age differences aren't a good thing in relationships. Despite the fact that she did countless things to annoy me. Calling me WAY too many times a day, only to have to leave a minute later. Picking up bad habits, and showing no resilliance in quitting others. Eventually I recommended we break up. We went through a lot of heated debate over that issue until we resolved it, only to have her present a new challenge a week late, which in turn needed to be resolved. And after that, she spent a good amount of time hanging out with the WRONG people doing all the wrong things. I finally ended it.
But at least now, I'm no longer needy. I didn't leave that relationship yearning for another. Its been 3 months now and I'm still happily single, and after hearing what she's been up to, quite glad that I ended it when I did. I don't even DESIRE a relationship right now. I occasionally browse personal ads for the heck of it, but nobody even strikes my interest. And a LOT of the girls in there are quite attractive, and some might even be of interest to me.. assuming I was even remotely interested.
For now, my computers work for me. I'm getting back into projects that I had all but postponed for the last year. Silly social life getting in the way of what's REALLY important. :) So things are going rather well, and I'm once again happily single and not looking. So of course, this has to be the time when some cute young thing will once again fall into my life and screw things up again.
Looking forward to it. :)